Camping Sucks
by ScaryBones
Summary: Cartman always has to ruin the outdoors. First fic. May be pairings later but unsure. COMPLETED!
1. Scary Story: Tweek

"And then the campers huddled around the campfire," Cartman began. "After they heard the moan again, they could tell where it came from."

He leaned in close to the fire, making his eyes light up.

"It was coming from behind the twitchy blond kid," Cartman went on, making Tweek shiver and yelp. "He slowly turned around and he saw..."

He paused for a moment and Tweek put his hnds over his mouth.

"A MONSTER!"

Tweek jumped up and yelled. He ran into the tent as Cartman laughed. Craig rolled his eyes, flipped off the fatter one, and followed Tweek into the tent.

"Oh my God!" Cartman laughed. "Did you see his face?" He looked to Kenny on his right. "Wasn't that gold?"

"Do you always have to ruin our camping trips?"


	2. Philosophy: Kyle

"If a tree falls on Kyle in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does Kyle still scream?"

"Oh God, just shut up, Cartman," Kyle said.

"I'm just trying to be philosiphical," he said.

"Can you try to be philisiphical some other time?" the smaller boy asked.

"Let me think," Cartman said, pretending to be deep in thought. "Nope."

Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed. "I thought that today was going to be cool."

"You thought wrong, my dear Jew," Cartman said, laughing. "That's why you need philosiphy."


	3. Tent: Stan

Sorry about the short chapters. This is my first fanfic, so it's going to be a little lame, but bear with me. Thanks for the reviews! (n_n)

"Cartman, get your foot away from me," Stan said, kicking the larger boy's foot away.

"Well, sorry, but I need space to sleep," Cartman explained, putting his foot back near Stan. The smaller boy sighed.

"Well I can't sleep if you're all spread-eagle," Stan said, pushing his foot away again. Cartman snickered. "What?"

"Spread-eagle is a sex position," Cartman explained, laughing. Stan sighed.

"You know what I mean," he said. "I meant that you're all spread out!"

"Hey, quit talking about sex and go to sleep!" Kenny called from another tent.

"Shut up, Kenny," Cartman yelled. He turned to Stan. "So, you speak of spread eagle."

"Cartman, I swear to god, do you even know what it is?"

"Yeah, it's where the man is-"

"Stop!" Stan exclaimed. "Just leave me alone and let me sleep."

"Fine, you can look it up later," Cartman snickered.

"No thanks," Stan said with a smirk. "Last time I did that, your mom was on there." Stan laughed.

"What were you doing looking it up, anyways?" Cartman asked with a huge smile.

"Gah..."

Ha, okay, so I might update my other story later today, but I wanted to work on this one first. I didn't know that spread-eagle was a position until I looked it up. Thanks for the reviews!


	4. Tacos: Clyde

Didn't think I'd get to Chapter 4. Almost decided to give up, but then I thought of tacos. lol. So, here it is.

Clyde sat on a log, taco in hand, about to take a bite. He felt the log shift under him and looked around. Cartman was sitting to the right of him, staring at the taco like it was a dead animal.

"I wouldn't trust that taco if I were you," Cartman said. Clyde looked down to his taco.

"Why?" he asked. Cartman leaned in close.

"Christophe made it," he whispered. He backed away.

"So?"

"Clyde, Christophe is a trained mercenary," Cartman explained. "He's a killer."

"So?" Clyde repeated.

"Who knows what he could have put in that taco," Cartman said. "A bunny, a horse, even..."

"What?" Clyde asked.

"No, I don't think you can handle it," Cartman said, getting up to leave.

"I can! Tell me!"

_Hook. Line. Sinker._ "Oh, alright."

Cartman sat back down. He got close to Clyde.

"Haven't you noticed that Gregory's not around?" Cartman said quietly.

Clyde gave him a blank stare. "He wouldn't kill his own boyfriend!"

"How do you know?" Cartman asked. "Look at him over there." He pointed to where Christophe was sitting. "Look at that smirk on his face. He's probably laughing inside, knowing that you're eating Gregory and that he got away with it."

Clyde looked down at his beloved taco. "You really think that he'd do it?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to slice Butters up and put him in stew," Cartman said, turning away so he could hide his laugh. "Tomorrow's dinner could be Craig on a stick."

And with that, Cartman got up and left, leaving Clyde by himself. "I-I'm suddenly not very hungry anymore."

Alright! That one was kinda easy to do. Clyde's a very easy character. He loves his tacos! Thanks for the reviews!


	5. Bird: Craig

Sorry, the computer had to go get fixed by one of my mom's friends and it took a couple days, but it's so much faster now!

Anyways, here it is.

"Hey, fag," Cartman greeted. He sat down next to Craig on the lunch bench. Craig flipped the fat teen off. "No thanks, I'm not gay."

Craig rolled his eyes. "Don't you have someone else to go bug?"

"What are you talking about?" Cartman asked, his voice dripping with fake innocence. "I'm just trying to have a conversation with a friend."

Craig glared and flipped him the bird again.

"Hey, you're with Tweek, remember?" Cartman asked, smirking. "You can't just go aroubd trying to get people to want you."

The boys turned around as they heard the twitchy blond coming.

"Gah! Craig, let's go get some coffee," he said, and let out an invoulentary yelp.

"Oh goody, an adventure!" Cartman said sarcastically, recieving the bird, again, from Craig. "Dude, Tweek is right there. Are you gonna cheat right in front of him?"

"Gah! What's he talking about, Craig?" Tweek asked. Craig scowled at Cartman and grabbed Tweek's hand.

"Nothing," he said, pulling the blond away from the fat boy. "He's just being stupid."

"Hey, you're the one who keeps coming onto me!" Cartman shouted, laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. "Have fun with your fantasy life, Craig!"

"What was that, Craig?" Tweek asked.

"Nothing, let's just go get your coffee."

Thanks for your reviews!


	6. Hello Kitty: Cartman

Okay, this is going to be the final chapter, cuz I seriously need to end this so I can focus on my other stories.

Hope you like it!

"Guys, seriously, we need to get back at Cartman," Kyle whispered. "He's been bugging us all weekend and I'm sick of it."

"Well, what do you have in mind?" Craig asked.

"How about we strip him, cover him with honey, and throw him in a bear cave?" Kenny suggested. The teens stared.

"Uh, I don't think that'd work, Kenny," Stan said. "One, I really don't want to see him naked. Two, we don't have enough honey. And three, do we really want to try to pick him up?"

"I see your point."

"How about we just ditch him?" Kyle asked. "That way, we'll never have to see him again."

"We could murder him," Craig suggested.

"I could use my shovel," Christophe offered.

"You guys, come on," Stan said. "We're not killing him."

There were some groans at this.

"But," Stan continued. "I know something we _could_ do."

Cartman woke up to the smell of bacon. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Mmm, bacon."

He stood and headed over to the firepit. Christophe had a pan and was flipping the meat.

"You want?" he asked. Cartman nodded. He greedily took the pan an down the bacon, ignoring how hot it was.

Christophe smirked. "What?" Cartman asked.

"Zat's a nice face you got zhere," he said. Confused, Cartman walked away. He passed Token's shiny truck and looked at himself in the reflection.

He instantly noticed that something was wrong. He took a closer look and realized that he had a hello kitty tan line on his forhead.

He turned around and noticed that Christophe was gone.

"Alright, who's bright idea was this?" Cartman yelled. He heard snickers. "Oh, yeah, let's see how you like this!"

He grabbed Token's keys from the table and hopped in the truck. He started the ignition and he could hear the teens yelling at him. He pushed on the gas and started driving off. He laughed as he saw his "friends" chasing after him. Soon they were out of sight.

"Oh, great idea, Stan," Kenny said sarcastically.

"Hey, I didn't know he'd take off!" Stan said defensively.

"Great, now we're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere," Craig said.

"He took my truck!"

"We're all gonna die out here! Gah!"

"Calm down, Tweek, we'll live."

Kenny sat down on a log. "Man, why does he always have to ruin camping?"

The End! Hoped you like it. Wasn't too rushed, was it? Thanks for the reviews!


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